


And How does That Make You Feel?

by bingbong21



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Deleted Scenes, Episode: s01e10 Asylum, Missing Scene, Sam reflects, Season/Series 01, before the fuckery that is now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 19:10:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9781100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingbong21/pseuds/bingbong21
Summary: Sam has never really given any thoughts to his relationship with his brother. But when trying to get information out of Dr. Ellicott, he ends up having to talk and actually think about it.Inspired by the Asylum episode; intended to be a deleted scene.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written circa 2009. So, before the fuckery that is what we currently have.

"This brother of yours…How do you feel about him?"Asked Dr. Ellicott, trying to get back on the topic at hand, which would be the young green eyed shaggy brown haired man in front of him named Sam. Sam cocked his head to the side, blinking a few times while giving the doctor a look that clearly said 'Seriously?'

"Ah…M-My brother?" Sam asked, scratching the back of his head. He wasn't really in the mood to talk about his life, much less his relationship with his brother. All he was really here for was to find out more about the Roosevelt Asylum and a certain doctor there, someone who went by the same last name as the Dr. Ellicott before him.

"Yes, your brother. How do you feel about him?"Dr. Ellicott repeated slowly, almost as if he was talking to a small child instead of a grown man.

"Look doc, can't we pick something el-"

"Look Sam," Dr. Ellicott said patience running very low and very thin. "If you want to know about the riot at the asylum, I suggest you start talking about your feelings towards your brother. Otherwise I will gladly direct you to the nearest library so that you can do research on your own."

Sam sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Where to start…Well basically, he's an asshole. He's sarcastic, a jerk, cheats, lies, is rude…You know, an asshole."

Dr. Ellicott nodded as he wrote down something on a pad of paper. "Uh-huh…Any reasons behind this? You know, past relationships, family life, school…Anything?"

"Our family had, well still has…issues." Sam said, trying to find the right words to explain his relationship with his brother without giving away their secret.

"What kinds of issues?"

"Ah well…Our mom died when we were just little, ah…Dad went missing a while back, and I went to college two years ago against my dad's wishes."

"So maybe he has abandonment issues?" Dr. Ellicott said, looking up from his pad of paper. Sam made a disbelieving sound, looking up to meet Dr. Ellicott's eyes.

"No way. Alright, this is Dean we're talking about. Dean, the single most immature, most obnoxious, most annoying person on the face of this earth." Sam said thinking back on anything and everything that could possibly convince this guy that Dean wasn't having abandonment issues.

"Maybe that's just his way of coping? Maybe his 'jerk' actions are actually subliminal messages for someone to stay with him, to not abandon him?"

Sam sat silently, too stunned by these thoughts to come up with a reasonable response. As he sat in silence, he thought back on all the actions that earned Dean the title of the 'Jackass older brother'. And as he thought back on the constant hitting on girls in random bars, the sarcastic comments that were obviously not meant to be taken seriously during a serious situation, and the way he could almost be as controlling as their father, Sam had the revelation that maybe-And if there was a God saving their asses everyday may he forbid it-just maybe, this doctor was right about his brother. Maybe he was sending out messages for someone to stay with him, to not abandon him. And if this was true-Which he still hoped that God was forbidding-then when this was all over, it was gonna be one hell of a goodbye between them.

"Ah…I guess, I never really thought of it that way." Sam said, slightly fidgeting in his chair.

"Well, let's move on then." Dr. Ellicott said, shifting in his chair, resting the pen against the pad of paper. "Tell me more about the relationship between you and Dean. You know, fights, memories, that kind of stuff."

"Well we did, and still do, fight here and there…"

"Yes, but that's normal between two brothers. Hell, if I ever even came across two males who were together and not fighting, I'd have to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or even dead."

Sam slightly chuckled at the doctor's words. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I'm talking about big fights. You know, ones where you two don't talk to each other for days, maybe weeks? Months at a time?"

"Ah… not really. I mean, my dad and I had a fight when I left for school where I didn't talk to either of them for two years, but it wasn't between my brother and me."

"Hmm…Tell me about some of your memories with him. Go as far back as you can remember, okay?"

Sam shifted in his chair, truly becoming uncomfortable with having to share memories with a man that he should be pumping for information instead of having a casual chat about his life. "Ah…I-Isn't the session, um…done, doc?"

Dr. Ellicott looked up from his pad of paper and gave Sam a smile that showed he was so obviously enjoying watching Sam squirm from these questions. "No no, we've got as long as you need Sam. And I can tell that you still need to talk about some things. Now just go ahead and let it all out. I'm only here to help in any way I can."

Sam inwardly groaned as he leant back in his chair, cursing himself for having tried this doctor's patience. He could tell, just from the tone of his voice and the smile on his face that this was all payback for trying to make him talk instead of him trying to make Sam talk. Finally, after much thinking and sorting through memories, Sam ran a hand through his hair while letting out a breath before beginning to talk.

"Well like I said, our mom died when we were little."

"And how did she die?"

"Apparently some house fire. And apparently it just randomly began in my nursery, no real cause. My dad handed me over to my brother, who took me outside."

"And you remember all that?" Dr. Ellicott asked, giving Sam a skeptical look that obviously said he didn't believe he could remember all the way back to his diaper days.

"Well…Not exactly. All I really remember is a, a burning house and…Someone telling me that it's okay. Young kid voice, definitely not my dad."

"So your brother carried you outside while your father…?"Dr. Ellicott left the sentence open for Sam to finish.

"He tried to save my mom. I mean, even though it was a little too late by then, he still tried."

"I see."Dr. Ellicott said, staring intently at his pad of paper as he wrote. Sam figured that from the way he was writing and the intent look on his face, he was aiming on having a novel of his life by the end of the session.

"So then we just travelled around everywhere, dad doing…odd jobs that didn't pay well while we waited for him in crap motel rooms." Sam said, casting a glance at his watch and seeing that the session had yet to go over an hour. "Not really the best childhood a kid could ask for."

"I imagine not." Dr. Ellicott said, still writing. "But surely there were some good points to it, right?"

"Well, we did meet a lot of our dad's friends, and they come in handy sometimes."

"As a place to stay instead of a motel?"

"Uh…Yeah, that."Sam answered, not going to give the actual answer of the friends being there for information about whatever the hell they were hunting at the time. "And we also learned a lot of…interesting things from our dad's odd jobs."

"Such as?" "Such as how to protect ourselves from danger and such. Course, Dean always seemed to look after me whenever dad couldn't, which was actually pretty often."

"Would you say Dean was a parental figure for you?"Dr. Ellicott asked, looking up from his paper and pen. Sam let out another breath, now feeling more than uncomfortable with this situation.

"Dean was….Dean was the one person I'd go to first instead of my dad if I had something to ask or wanted to tell someone about. He was there for me when I was scared, when I was hurt, or when I just wanted him to be around me. He always took care of me, protected me, and would do anything for me. Hell, he still does to this day. So yeah, I guess he was like a parental figure for me." Sam said getting some of what he never realized was on his chest off it. And while he was speaking, telling a stranger he only wanted to pump for information about his life, he realized that what he was saying was true. When most kids his age looked up to their mom or their dad as a role model, Sam only had eyes for Dean, always wanting to be just like him. Sam had strived to make not his father proud, but Dean proud. He never wanted to let his big brother down, not after all that Dean had down for him since day one of his life. When he left for college, he thought that along with being able to possibly live a normal life, he was going to make his big brother proud. Proud that his little brother could escape the life of a hunter and instead live a normal life, get a regular job, and raise a family so that he could become Uncle Dean instead of just Dean. And when he came home to find Jess on the ceiling, her death so much like his mother's, he instantly felt like he had let his brother down. That since he didn't tell Jess about the dreams he had, that he didn't even try to protect her, he let his brother down by coming back into the life of a hunter instead of carrying out his goals that he was sure would make Dean proud.

Dr. Ellicott cleared his throat, suddenly bringing Sam out of his thoughts about all that he had said. "Well then, since you considered Dean a parental figure during your life, how do you think he felt the day when you left for college?"

"Well…I'd guess like any parent would feel, even though he wasn't. I guess, he felt proud that I was able to go and sad that I was leaving him and dad for…Well, for forever really." Sam said, recalling the night he left. It was possibly one of the worst fights between him and John to date, maybe even world record worthy. All Sam could really remember before leaving the house was the yelling, the slamming and unzipping of a duffel bag on a bed, the cramming of clothes into the duffel bag as quickly as possible, the zipping up of the duffel as he grabbed it off the bed and headed towards the door, the voice of John telling him to never come back if he walked out that door, and then the final slamming of the door as Sam walked out. But as he recalled the memory, he also remembered looking back and seeing Dean's face looking at his retreating form from the window. And the look on his face had a sense of sadness to it, almost like he was begging Sam to not leave or to at least take him with him. But the look in eyes spoke something totally different. The look in his eyes was a look of pride, proud that his baby brother would be able to make something of himself, instead of having a criminal bigger than the state of Texas. A look that said that if he truly wished to go, he should go, and never look back or regret the decision. To leave him behind with John that he'd deal with the hunting business while Sam became a lawyer with a 'white picket fence' life as they liked to call it. And just like Sam always did when he was a kid, he listened to his big brother. He turned his back to the motel room, and headed off to where he hoped would make his brother proud.

"Uh-huh…And then you two just magically reunited?"Dr. Ellicott asked, carrying a slight skeptical look on his face. There was just no way he believed that they made up in two years, if the fight was as bad as Sam was implying. And honestly, Sam couldn't blame him.

"Actually, our father went on a hunting trip, and Dean hadn't heard from him in a while. So, he came down to my place, and we started looking for him."

"So you just dropped your college work to go looking for a father that you honestly didn't get along with at all?"

"Ah…Yeah, basically. Family is really all we've got nowadays, right?"Sam asked. He was relieved when Dr. Ellicott nodded his agreement. He really didn't want to explain that the real reason he went looking for his father was because of Dean. Even though they hadn't seen or heard from each other in two years, he could tell that Dean was worried a lot about their John's disappearance, even if it was in just the first night of their reunion. Of course, he was reluctant to go at first for obvious reasons of not wanting to go back to that life, but the more Dean persisted, the weaker Sam's resolve became. When it came right down to it, Sam would do anything Dean really wanted just like Dean did when they were kids.

"Well then, I guess we've covered basically everything."Dr. Ellicott said, giving the writing of Sam's dialogue a much needed break.

"Really?"Sam asked, almost overflowing with relief and joy that he could get the information he wanted now. "Yep. You just need to answer my first question that I asked at the beginning of this session."

Sam instantly froze when he said this. For the life of him, he could not remember what the question was at the beginning that caused him to start pouring out all these memories about him and his brother. "Uh…Sure, I'll answer it. Could you just, um…you know…"

Dr. Ellicott sighed wearily, a sign that he was anxious to get this session done and over with. "How do you feel about your brother, honestly?"

A look of surprise swept across Sam's face for a brief second before returning to its regular look of discomfort. "Oh, right."

"Well…?"Dr. Ellicott said, prompting Sam to go on. Sam heaved a sigh before finally starting.

"Well…I still feel like he's the biggest asshole jerk on the face of this planet, maybe even the universe. But, when I think back on all the things he's done for me, and all the things he still does, I really appreciate him and feel like he actually has a heart somewhere under that leather jacket mullet music loving exterior of his. And when I really think about it, I really don't mind spending all my time with him instead of being at school. I mean, it's been so long, and I really actually missed him. So getting to go on this road trip with him is like…I dunno bonding or something."Sam said, hoping that this session could be officially declared finished. But while he was speaking, Sam found something strange with what was coming out of his mouth. Every word, every sentence, every single thing he said was one hundred percent true. He did really miss Dean while at college and he did appreciate everything Dean did and still does for him. It was something that he never really gave much thought to until now, and that was only because he was forced into it by this shrink. But Sam, deep in the back of his mind, felt secretly glad that he was able to realize and discovers these feelings.

"Okay…But you're still not really answering my question Sam." Dr. Ellicott said, anxious to finally get the dragged out answer from him after so long. Sam gave another sigh before starting up again.

"Well, he's my brother and like him or not, I'm obligated to love him whether I like him or not. But, in all honesty, I like him. A lot. He was the one person I wanted to be like when I grew up, the one person I really wanted to make proud of me. And well…I guess that just makes this family obligated love I have for him more real than some other brothers. And of course, this brotherly bonding love thing makes having to spend eight hours in a car each day listening to Aerosmith and AC/DC full blast a hell of a lot easier than it normally would." Sam said, recalling every trip in the car they had had up to this point, each of them containing at least one of those points, sometimes even all of them and then some. "But, if I could change any of it, I wouldn't."

"Oh really?"Dr. Ellicott said, looking up from his writing which he had resumed a while back to give Sam a questioning look. Sam returned the look with a graceful smile and a slight glimpse of love for his brother in his eyes.

"No, I wouldn't. Reason being that if I changed any of it, it just wouldn't feel right, you know? It just wouldn't feel like I'm riding with Dean. If anything, it'd feel like I was riding with a stranger that I've never met, not my brother that I know and love." Sam said, speaking more truthfully about his brother than he's done in years. And though he wouldn't admit it now, some time later in some motel room bed, he'd think back and remember about how good it felt to talk about his relationship with his brother.

Dr. Ellicott put down the paper and pen in his lap, a sign that he was officially finished with the writing. "Well then, let's call that a session, shall we?"

"Uh, sure thing doc."Sam said, slightly disappointed with the end of the session. However, he knew what was coming next, and he knew it was much more important than him talking.

"Now then, about the Roosevelt Asylum…"

* * *

 

Dean stood outside the building, practically bored to tears from having to wait for Sam. He looked down at his watch, seeing that it had been at least an hour and a half, two hours top. Two hours of standing outside some shrink's building, waiting, all the while staring at absolutely nothing. Finally though, he saw Sam walking towards the door, something he thought would never happen.

"Dude, you were in the forever. What the hell were you talking about?" Dean asked the minute Sam exited the building. He figured that pumping the guy for information would've taken an hour at least, but this long? Either they were gonna be dealing with one nasty son of a bitch haunting, or Sam had been having one of his little girl moments with the shrink where they talked about their thoughts and feelings. Just the thought of it made Dean want to gag and put on Led Zeppelin at full blast to drown out the image of Sam and the shrink hugging after having a tearful talk.

Sam took a glance at his brother, noticing a slight look on his face that told him Dean was thinking of him and Dr. Ellicott having a what Dean loved to dub as "girl moment". When in reality, they were actually just having a passing of information between two people to fulfill their own goals. Sam thought about adding to Dean's imagination of the talk by saying that they had been talking about him and how Sam felt towards Dean. Sam almost burst out laughing at the look he imagined on Dean's face, something that was truly more deserving of being called a Kodak moment than anything they would ever see. But instead, Sam felt that he shouldn't say that, since he had a feeling that if he did Dean would find a way to get back at him in very unpleasant ways. So, with the question of how far Dean's creativity could go if he had said they were talking about him, Sam decided to tell Dean half the truth.

"The hospital."


End file.
